In 'Merican, we call it hittin' the sack. Catchin' sum zees. Sawin' lumber. You know. 'Merican words.

Haryu mochit' - lit. "to wet the mug (face)".  To sleep.

Side note - harya is an extremely rude word for one's face.  There are less rude but still crude ones - morda and rozha, which can be used affectionately (e.g. "youse mugs" or "it's good to see your ugly mug") -  but harya is downright offensive.  Mochit' - to wet or to make wet - often means to kill or get rid of.  How "killing one's mug" become a synonym for going to sleep is completely beyond me.  

Not to be confused with the Spoonman, who is obviously awesome

Lozhkomoynik - lit. "a spoonwasher."  An unsavory, unkempt, repulsive sort of person.  

Improbably Hot Spouse has pointed out that a lot of these need illustrations... yet has not volunteered to create said illustrations for me.  Please stand by while I learn how to use a tablet to produce Hyperboleandahalf quality doodles.

No, I really don't know why

Litsemer - lit. "facemeasurer'. A hypocrite. Etymologically speaking, the word came from the roots for "face" and "change", but somewhere along the way, the second syllable men' changed to mer. So whenever I read about a character in a book behaving hypocritically, I imagined him measuring the faces of the other characters, engaging in a sort of phrenology of the facial features so as to asses his chances of getting away with backhanded talk and dastardly actions.

The Equipment Consists of a Funnel and Beer Goggles

Alkonavt - lit "alco-naut."  An alcoholic.   As in - "Grab a litrovka and come over.  We're launching an alconautical expedition, with you as lead alconaut."

Alkash - lit. "alkie".  A cute way of calling someone an alcoholic.

Buharik - lit. "shwazzler", assuming that the verb "buhat''" means "to schwazzle", which is what I'm translating it as, so let's go with it.  A cute way of calling someone a drunk.  Not the same as calling someone "drunkie", though, since we already have a word for that.  See below.

Pyanitsa - lit. "a drunk".  Can be conjugated as "pyanishka", "pyanushka", "pyantus", "pyashka", and other absurdly diminutive/affectionate ways of calling someone a worthless bottle-dweller. Approximate English equivalents - "drunkie", "drunkola", "drunkzilla" - don't carry half the love.

Behaviors of the Wild Zanuda, #1

Lomit'sa v otkrytuyu dver' - lit. "to kick in an unlocked door". To insistently explain or prove something that is already obvious and non-contentious. Used since the the 19th century, and apparently taken off the French 'enfoncer une porte ouverte."

My Country 'tis of Thee, Sweet Land of Alcoholism

litrboll - lit. "liter-ball" The sport aspect of alcohol consumption. Competitive drinking. The most popular game in Russia.

dogonyat' - lit. "to chase after". To drink a bottle down.

hmel' - the hops flower.
pohmel'ye - lit "the state of being hopped". A hangover.
opohmelitsa - lit "to get re-hopped". To consume some hair of the dog.

In New Zealand, they call that a "try-hard".

Zanuda - lit. "droner". Universally defined by Russian women as "the type of guy that's easier to sleep with that to have explain to why you don't want to sleep with him." Also known as "the man who thinks that 'no' means 'keep talking'". Less specifically, a persistent, consummate bore. (Kudos to Julia B.)

A note for Americans and other civilized people: Zanudas flourish in societies with exaggerated codes of courtship or hospitality. They are the people that know that it's impolite to kick someone out or to call it a night, and will use that as an excuse to continue charming the ladies, sound off on their latest intellectual opinions, and otherwise drag out the experience of hanging out with them.
In the less specific usage, it's someone who won't pick up on the "We're done talking about that" cues and keep on droning on about whatever banal topic you've been trying to get off of for the last ten minutes.
Less specifically, and thus most widely used, it's simply that dude that won't shut up until he gets his way, whether it's a late-night trip to McDonald's or that game of strip poker you've been lamely joking about since the night got started.

In Soviet Russia, suspect herbaceous material smokes you

Burbulyator - lit "burbler". Can be anglicized as "burbulator." A homemade smoking device made out of a soda bottle. The burbler can be "wet" or "dry", with only the wet kind producing the distinctive burble of Russia's hemp smokers hard at work trying to make something happen.

Today, and possibly through next year, we're covering alcoholism.

Nalizat'tsa - lit "to get licked up". To drink a ton. To get blacked-out drunk.

Neprolivashka - lit "non-spillerino". An alcoholic who has lost the ability to vomit. Apparently, such a phenomenon is common enough in Russian alkie circles to merit its own word.

Akvarium - lit. "aquarium". The drunk tank.
Trezvyak' - lit. "the sober-you-up-er." The drunk tank.
Nezabudka - lit. "non-forgetter". The drunk tank.

V Rigu popas't' - lit. "to make it to Riga", Riga being one of the Westernmost major points of the Russian/Soviet empire. To drink till one pukes.

Vtorsyryo - lit. "secondary raw materials." Empty bottles which can be returned for the bottle deposit, thus fuelling more drinking. Cultural note: the bottle deposit in Soviet times was pretty high, and vodka was pretty cheap. So the cycle of purchasing alcohol and returning the bottles could go on for a while.

Chillin out, maxin...

Spokuha - lit. "calmage". Signifies that a lessening of tension is called for. A call for quiet or contemplation. A colloquial way of saying that cooler heads need to prevail right the fuck now.

You know that scene in any Will Smith movie where the supporting characters are losing their shit and yelling at each other and generally acting like chickens with their heads cut off?
And then Will Smith yells out something like "Chill! I got this!"?
If Will Smith were Russian, he'd yell out "Spokuha!" and everyone would shut up, because that kind of commanding lingo is how you let people know you got this.

Example:
It's 1:47 in the am and your Russian homies, who told you that a handle of vodka would hold them, are about to riot because someone brought along his cousins and the vodka went quicker than expected. Just as you're about to forswear the friendship of Eastern Europeans in general and alcoholic Slavs in particular, one guy yells out
"Spokuha! Konyak yest' (We have cognac)!" to signify that he plundered your liquor cabinet and dug out that dusty bottle of Christian Brothers you were saving for Cape pudding. Riot averted.

Sheep go to heaven, ______ go to hell

Kozyol - lit. "he-goat". An irredeemable idiot. A thickheaded moron. Someone with the intelligence of an untrainable herbivore.

Because this one's not very absurd, I'll throw in another lovely Russian insult.

Sterva - lit. "she-vulture"/"carrion bird". A woman of a predatory and bitchy disposition. One who feeds off suffering caused by her drama. Nearest English equivalent is when you call someone a fucking banshee.

A More Common Sense Organ than Most Would Admit

Zhopochuy - lit. "one who senses with his ass." Anyone who senses a development, usually negative, in an ongoing situation. A clairvoyant or intuitive.

Napugal Yezha

Napugal yezha goloy zhopoy - lit. "your naked ass sure did scare that hedgehog." Used to denote a self-defeating threat or protest.
For example:
"Alaska will secede from the Union!"
"And lose the federal infrastructure dollars? Napugat' yezha goloy zhopoy sobirayeshsya (you're planning on scaring a hedgehog with your bare ass)?"

Another example:
"Until funding is restored to the Community Studies department, Community Studies students will boycott all classes and school facilities."
Administration response: "Ha! Napugali yezha golymi zhopami! As long as they pay tuition, they can boycott all the classes they want."

Zhertva Aborta

Zhertva Aborta - lit. "abortion victim". An insult, signifying someone so sick and useless that their mother obviously tried to abort them, but was too stupid to succeed, and ended up with a child who resembles an underdeveloped, half-aborted fetus. The nearest American English equivalent is that scene in Batman Returns where the Penguin's parents get rid of him.
(kudos Marina S. for the idiom and explanation)