A Proper Russian Send-off, Pt 1.

Skatert'yu doroga - lit. "may the road ahead of you be as a tablecloth."  Usually used in the ironic sense to mean something like "don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out" or "get the hell out of here already."  Sometimes meant sincerely to indicate wishes for a safe and smooth journey.

Getting chewed out is still too straightforward

Bochku katit' - lit. "to roll a barrel."  Alt. katit' telegu - "to roll an ox-cart."  To express a grievance at or seek conflict with someone.  Used to describe the behavior of others, usually unprovoked and needless.  While usually not used to describe issues of mortal import, this phrase is the exact right tenor for neighborhood or workplace feuds.

Getting chewed out is just too straightforward...

Otryt' vareshku - lit. "to open the mitten."  To harangue or berate someone.  Usually used in the sense of someone doing to/at you.  

Example:  "I was drinking in the kitchen with the patsany when my wife came in and opened the mitten at me about the noise and the hour and the work tomorrow.  So I told her that I got laid off today, and she opened the mitten at me some more about being unemployed."

In 'Merican, we call it hittin' the sack. Catchin' sum zees. Sawin' lumber. You know. 'Merican words.

Haryu mochit' - lit. "to wet the mug (face)".  To sleep.

Side note - harya is an extremely rude word for one's face.  There are less rude but still crude ones - morda and rozha, which can be used affectionately (e.g. "youse mugs" or "it's good to see your ugly mug") -  but harya is downright offensive.  Mochit' - to wet or to make wet - often means to kill or get rid of.  How "killing one's mug" become a synonym for going to sleep is completely beyond me.  

Not to be confused with the Spoonman, who is obviously awesome

Lozhkomoynik - lit. "a spoonwasher."  An unsavory, unkempt, repulsive sort of person.  

Improbably Hot Spouse has pointed out that a lot of these need illustrations... yet has not volunteered to create said illustrations for me.  Please stand by while I learn how to use a tablet to produce Hyperboleandahalf quality doodles.

No, I really don't know why

Litsemer - lit. "facemeasurer'. A hypocrite. Etymologically speaking, the word came from the roots for "face" and "change", but somewhere along the way, the second syllable men' changed to mer. So whenever I read about a character in a book behaving hypocritically, I imagined him measuring the faces of the other characters, engaging in a sort of phrenology of the facial features so as to asses his chances of getting away with backhanded talk and dastardly actions.

The Equipment Consists of a Funnel and Beer Goggles

Alkonavt - lit "alco-naut."  An alcoholic.   As in - "Grab a litrovka and come over.  We're launching an alconautical expedition, with you as lead alconaut."

Alkash - lit. "alkie".  A cute way of calling someone an alcoholic.

Buharik - lit. "shwazzler", assuming that the verb "buhat''" means "to schwazzle", which is what I'm translating it as, so let's go with it.  A cute way of calling someone a drunk.  Not the same as calling someone "drunkie", though, since we already have a word for that.  See below.

Pyanitsa - lit. "a drunk".  Can be conjugated as "pyanishka", "pyanushka", "pyantus", "pyashka", and other absurdly diminutive/affectionate ways of calling someone a worthless bottle-dweller. Approximate English equivalents - "drunkie", "drunkola", "drunkzilla" - don't carry half the love.